Revelations in Parenting

I love being a mother. Do my children stress me out from time to time? Yes. Do I have moments where I want to scream? You bet. Have I ever been anxiously awaiting Dave's arrival home from work just so I could escape as quickly as possible to a place as thrilling as the grocery store? Absolutely. Have I ever spent a whole car ride with tears of frustration soaking my shirt due to one of my child's meltdowns? Uh-huh, in fact 2 weeks ago!

It went something like this...

It was a crisp Autumn morning and the scheduled date of the MOPS group trip to the apple orchard. Last year, I only brought Madelyn because Palmer had just start forming in my womb. This year, I got to bring both of my kids - how exciting! I was looking forward to snapping pictures of my kids interacting with each other, picking and holding apples, sitting on the hay bales together, and riding the train, you know, making memories! Well, memories were definitely made that day, just not the kind I was expecting.

While on the hayride, Madelyn (2) was trying to stand up and walk around. I could not easily tame her because I was holding her 6 month and 22 lb. brother, a diaper bag, my purse, and camera bag (what? you've never seen a mom bring her whole house on a hayride before?). Luckily, there were other moms that were willing to help me out. As the tractor reached the rows of apples, Madelyn was determined to make a mad dash out to grab every rotten apple off the ground. I finally decided to just start snapping some pictures as she was completely ignoring me and walking away. I thought maybe I would get some that seemed artistic? I finally got her to try to pick an apple from a tree:

By this time, our tour guide was ready for us to be back on the tractor, so I attempted to load up. As I was trying to coax Madelyn into getting back onto the tractor, she wanted no part of it. Another mom helped me get her back on. Our final stop was where the train was. She rode the train and enjoyed it, but once the train ride was over it was a different ball game. We walked over to the petting zoo where she was running towards the pond and me saying things like "Madelyn, stop!" made no difference at all to her. I had to physically pick her up while she was dead weighting her body AND her brother was on the other hip AND our 3 bags were on one shoulder. Then she saw an area where there were rope swings, a slide, and tree house type structure. It was all over. There wasn't a threat I could make to get her to come down so that we could leave, in fact every time I would even talk to her it was as if I was completely invisible.

I finally prayed that God would protect her as I walked away to get our double stroller so that I could sit Palmer in it and put our bags on the handle in hopes of having two free arms to capture my daughter and strap her into the front seat of the stroller so that we could be on our merry way. I did manage to get Palmer and my bags in/onto the stroller, but when I went to strap Maddie into her seat do you know what happened? She start thrusting out her chest in resistance while screaming and crying until I had no more strength to hold her down and finally had to take a break. She then had a tantrum in the hay bales while the double stroller tipped backwards with my son in it because the combined weight of him and the bags without weight in the front seat was too much. It was the kind of experience where you just want to bury your head in the dirt while holding up a sign that reads "I really do know how to parent my children, I'm just having an off day." Once I got the stroller properly weighed down, I couldn't resist but snap a picture of Maddie's tantrum (you know, for memory sake).

Once I got the kids buckled into their car seats (20 minutes later! - I won't even go there), I got behind the driver's wheel of our van and while Maddie was having the grand finale of her tantrum and Palmer's hunger was rising, I began to cry and cry and cry.

How could my child do this to me? How could I be speaking so loudly and yet get treated like I don't even exist?

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I wonder if this is what God feels like when we, as His children completely ignore His voice and leading when He is clearly speaking to us, yet we are so absorbed in our own agendas that we miss what He's trying to say?

It's funny how God can use our relationships with our own children to teach us about our relationship with Him. On a lighter note, every time I see my two kids interact with each other in a way that is loving or affectionate it makes my heart smile. I also often wonder if that's how God feels when He sees us show love to one another. I have journals for both of my kids that I started as soon as I found out I was pregnant with each of them. I write prayers I have for them, thoughts I think towards them, and record things they do in them. My plan is to give them their journals when they get older so they will always know what kind of love I have for them. I was writing in Madelyn's journal tonight about how much I love her. I just began to cry (I do that a lot) because of how deeply I love her. I explained to her that she will never know what kind of love I have for her until she has a child of her own someday because that's what it took for me to realize how much my mother has always loved me. It's the same with God. I feel that I have a better glimpse of His love for me, knowing how I love my own children as a parent.